He: "They say that deafness is the reason most marriages last." Me: "Oh really?" He: "Yes, the fine hairs in your cochlea start falling out the more they're used. So the more your wife nags you, the less you hear." Me: "The irony being that those hairs then take root on the outside of your
He: "Aristotle Onassis's granddaughter turned 18 today. I need to get me some of that." Me: "Can you imagine how hard it's going to be to impress an 18 year old billionaire? I mean, what would you do for a first date?" He: "I'd impress her with my programming skills -- whip out a workflow
Me: "What?" She: "They've been checking you out and you haven't noticed. Again." Me: "Who? Where? Were they worthy?" She: "Some of them." Me: "You need to point them out to me, you know I'm oblivious." She: "I'll try, but they're fast. They scurry away like cockroaches in the light."
Bidding Me: "...you can get one of those on Ebay, you know." She: "You can find anything on Ebay." Me: "Really? What do you have bids on?" She: "A soul. I should check on it -- the auction will be over in a few hours." Me: "Are souls cheap? Do you have to meet any
Tator Trauma Because of a series of unfortunate dining choices, I now have a tator tot stuck between my stove and cabinet. The gap between the two tapers into a vee as you get closer to the bottom of the space, thus allowing me to achieve maximum tator tot velocity about six inches from the
Spark Me: "In his e-mail he said there was no je ne sais quoi, but that we could go out again if I wanted to." She: "What does he want, instant spark?" Me: "I wasn't feeling very sparky last night - combination head cold medicine and wine, you know. It would've taken a sensitive spark-o-meter
She B: "So he sends me this picture of him with his pants unzipped and it's wrapping around his undershorts to the back of his butt." She: "And the name of this Lothorio?" She B: "Hung14inches. And I'm not sure why he wrote me, I mean he's in New York!" Me: "It's okay, he can
On Music... She (mezzo soprano): "Born Free! As free as the wind blows! As free as the grass grows!" Me: "Excuse me, but you're not going to start singing, 'They Call the Wind Mariah'? Are you?" She: "What's wrong with 'They Call the Wind Mariah Carey'?" Me: "Same thing that's wrong with 'Mariah Carey on
Eat. Your Vegetables. He: "I have been a vegetable all day...I think I was a cucumber, or perhaps an eggplant." Me: "I once spent a morning as a carrot, but worked past it." He: "Yes, if I a were a carrot, I would work through it, too...but being an a eggplant is a truly unique
Mercer No More My couch arrived this morning, which I'm very excited about. There's no need to have my guests aimlessly milling about in my living room. They now have a place to crash. Whoo-hoo! There is, however, one small problem. Room and Board shipped my furniture with a name attached (a trend they seem
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