She: "You're not taking your iPod to Paris? What if you need to bludgeon someone to death?" Me: "Well, I plan to buy a bagette to carry around. For self defense." She: "Oooooooooooooooh, if that happens, then I want a picture!" Me: "I'll let my photog know."
"Did you hear about the iPod murder?" "My Gaud! Well, that's one first I won't be a part of. Darn..." "Heh. Remind me not to piss you off while you have your iPod in hand." "Always a good idea...hmmmm, at least she killed him with a full-sized iPod. Can you imagine how long it would've
Me: "Oh, look! They have a viagra roll." He: "They don't!" Me: "Sure, see...right there." He: "Huh..." Me: "I won't think any less of you if you order it." He: "I'm not ordering a viagra roll." Me: "You want one. I know you do. It's a delicious combination of salmon, taki, squid and...the secret sauce..."
He: "...So my last name's a Scottish compaint about British heritage. By the way...what's your last name?" Me: "Green" He: "No e? Just the color?" Me: "No, not just the color. It's a particular shade of green." He: "Wait, you have a shade?" Me: "Oh, there's nothing official, but I do have one in mind
Or so Dave's Web of Lies would have you believe. Go test yourself against such whoppers as this: The French Ministry of Culture has projected that 87 per cent of all French post-modernists will have deconstructed themselves by 2008. The Prince of Wales intends to announce that he is abandoning his water-coloring hobby so that
"He looks like a bronze statute. I wonder how many times they had to dip him." "In bronze?" "Self-tanner. Looks like they used a vat of the stuff. I bet they held him by the ankle and lowered him in." "And does that make Brad invulnerable to bad movie reviews?" "Probably. Look what it did
He: "Didya see that? It was huge!" Me: "What, the wildlife?" He: "That rat was THIS big! Ah, man..." Me (looking): "I dunno, he's not so big. I think you could take him in a fair fight." He (shuddering): "You ever have critters in your place? Ah, man...I couldn't do it." Me: "Nah. They don't
Me: "So I read today about this lady in New York who got Chris Rock's old cellphone number. She apparently got some very, VERY interesting phone calls." She: "Why can't anything like that ever happen to me!" She B: "Excuse me? This from the woman with a Tribune by-line!" Me: "This from the woman who
She: "Yes, she got some very good news. We've got to celebrate. 'Bye!" G (over-hearing): "Excuse me, but I'm going to butt in. What's your good news? If you don't say, I'm telling everyone you're pregnant." Me: "I found out about grad school. I got in!" G: "That's great! Congratulations!" Me (walking away): "Yeah, strange
She: "Congratulations! I knew you'd get in!" Me: "Thanks! I did the SQUeeeeeeeee dance when I found out." She: "Wait. There's a SQUeeeeeeeee dance?" Me: "Oh sure." She: "Can you show me what it looks like." Me: "No, I'm afraid not. You see, it's a highly situational thing. I can't do it unless I'm having
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