zesmerelda

He: "It's a Japanese cucumber." Security Guard: "Yes, I can see that." He: "Well, what's the problem?" Security Guard: "It could be used as a weapon." He: "What?" Security Guard: "You could bludgeon someone with it." He: "Well, break it in half! I plan on eating it anyway." Security Guard: "Sir, I'm going to ask

VP: "I have some upsetting news." Me: "Yes?" VP: "I have to cancel the Intranet merger meeting next week." Me: "And why would I be upset?" VP: "Are you kidding? We've only been trying to schedule this thing for months!" Me: "Yeah, but it's not my project." VP: "Oh. So you're not upset?" Me: "Nope.

Physical Therapist to My PT: "I bet you twenty dollars I can get my patient's shoulder to go back quicker than your patient's." My PT: "No, no, no. That doesn't sound like a good idea." Me: "Take that bet!" My PT: "What?! I'm shocked to hear you say that. Your arm's still broken." Me: "Think

Me: "We can't do it on Sunday. I'm going to the Cubs game." She: "Oh, then it's no problem. The game will rain out on Sunday." Me: "Don't say that." She: "It's supposed to start tonight and rain, rain, rain all weekend long. You won't be going to a game." Me: "Don't say that!" She:

He: "I still can't get into the system. I thought maybe you could do something?" Me: "No, you need to talk to Bud." He: "Bud Selig? The baseball commissioner?" Me: "No, Bud the project coordinator. Why did you think Bud Selig could fix your access issues? That's clearly a Martha Stewart issue." She: "Or Spiderman.

This morning I was woken out of a dead sleep by the most obnoxious, deafening fire alarm in existence and was forced to finally answer that question we all ask ourselves from time to time: What would you grab? The answer was my jogging bra, good socks and sneakers. I had 32 flights of stairs

Me: "I can't believe you're bailing on me this weekend. All of you!" He: "Yeah, sorry about that, but you'll do fine. I found it easy to be entertained in New York on my own. There's lots to do." Me: "True. I was thinking about taking the Sex and the City tour." He: "What's that?

Me: "Why don't you call the column 'Management Is...'?" Boss: "Like the cartoon?" Me: "Yeah, why not?" Boss: "Oooooh, I like it." He: "What cartoon?" Boss: "It's this cartoon from the 70's called 'Love Is...'. Type it into the web and it'll come up." Me: "It has naked children in it." He: "And I've never

VP: "Your shoelace is untied." Me: "So it is...I'll get to it in a minute." VP: "How're going to manage with your arm laid up? Let me..." Me: "Let you what?" VP: "Tie your shoe. Prop it up here 'cause I can't bend over." Me: "I haven't had my shoes tied since I was four.

"We don't have to do that, it's overkill." "Yes we do! The client asked for this!" "No, the client asked for the moon. They only need a night light."