zesmerelda

Nobody's Cookie He: "Are you my little snickerdoodle?" Me: "Hell, no! I've seen what you do to snickerdoodles." He: "..." Me: "Think of me as day-old bread."

Movie Review She: "Have you seen the new Spiderman film, yet?" Me: "I saw it over the weekend." She: "And?" Me: "It was pretty good. The sticky floor added a sense of verisimilitude." She: "Ewww." Me: "It would've been fine if they'd stopped there, but they made the arm rests sticky, too." She: "EWWW!"

Collusion Me: "I think I'm going to resist your wares, today." ShopKeep: "No, we didn't agree to that." Me: "Agree? Is this a mutual decision?" ShopKeep: "Absolutely." Me: "Well, it's a good thing these are on-sale." ShopKeep: "It's a good decision we've made."

Me: "What's wrong?" Lil She: "It won't come off!" Me: "It won't come off? Your skin supposed to stay attached." Lil She: "No!!! The red won't come off." Me: "You're not scrubbing hard enough. Guess you'll have to stay red." Lil She: "No!!! Make it come off!" Me: "Sorry, kid."

Weighty Topics She: "I had a meeting with the Grand High Poo-bah today." Me: "How is Grand High doing? Has he lost any weight?" She: "Nope, he still had plenty to throw around."

Watching Me: "I'm so sweet and innocent. I bet you're bored out of your mind trying to surveil me." He: "Yeah..." Me: "Guess you make up stories and scenes about me to keep yourself amused." He: "Sometimes..." Me: "I can picture you doing little sock-puppet shows about my life." He: "Huh, yeah..." Me: "It must

Domain Dominating She: "I think I want to buy whipslash.com" Me: "Why? You won't like the traffic." She: "What do you mean?" Me: "Well, look at how many people go to Snotty Bitch looking for Bitch and finding Snotty." She: "I don't think it matters as long as I get at least 5 valid hits

Dishing It Out She: "So did you get your hair cut?" Me: "Yeah, about three weeks ago. So nice of you to notice." She: "Oh, I'm sorry!" Me: "No, relax. I'm kidding, I got it cut last week. I'm giving you shit." She: "Oh...Oh! Gratefully accepted."

You Are What You Eat She: "Does this diet follow the USDA's food pyramid?" He: "Yeah, I think so." Me: "I don't like following the pyramid. I'd rather follow the shape I'm after." She: "Do you think they have a food circle? Or a rhombus?" He: "I'd much rather follow the food trapezoid." Me: "Exactly.

Losing my...religion? My head is in my hands, I am lost in the throes of my cold. Ennui and Drixoral fight for control of my very soul. And then... She: "Are you praying to Cletus?" I slowly raise my eyes, and as I do, I feel the devil's fire on my tongue. Me: "No, I