Me: "Who are you over there dissing?" He: "Sarah Brightman. They're playing her." Me: "Why? What do opera singers have against Sarah Brightman?" He: "She sold out." Me: "Hey, a girl's gotta eat..." He: "I suppose, but I'm eating and I haven't sold out!" Me: "...and, if possible, she's gotta eat while wearing diamonds."
The Queen (off camera, drunk): "...penis the size of a horse!..." The Queen (off camera, drunker): "...hung like a horse!...huge tits! huge!..." The Queen (to Me, stroking my arm): "You've got pretty red hair. Pretty, pretty. Oh honey?! Is he with you?" He (to the Queen): "Yes, we're on a date." The Queen (to Me):
He: "They say that deafness is the reason most marriages last." Me: "Oh really?" He: "Yes, the fine hairs in your cochlea start falling out the more they're used. So the more your wife nags you, the less you hear." Me: "The irony being that those hairs then take root on the outside of your
He: "Aristotle Onassis's granddaughter turned 18 today. I need to get me some of that." Me: "Can you imagine how hard it's going to be to impress an 18 year old billionaire? I mean, what would you do for a first date?" He: "I'd impress her with my programming skills -- whip out a workflow
Me: "What?" She: "They've been checking you out and you haven't noticed. Again." Me: "Who? Where? Were they worthy?" She: "Some of them." Me: "You need to point them out to me, you know I'm oblivious." She: "I'll try, but they're fast. They scurry away like cockroaches in the light."
Bidding Me: "...you can get one of those on Ebay, you know." She: "You can find anything on Ebay." Me: "Really? What do you have bids on?" She: "A soul. I should check on it -- the auction will be over in a few hours." Me: "Are souls cheap? Do you have to meet any
Tator Trauma Because of a series of unfortunate dining choices, I now have a tator tot stuck between my stove and cabinet. The gap between the two tapers into a vee as you get closer to the bottom of the space, thus allowing me to achieve maximum tator tot velocity about six inches from the
Spark Me: "In his e-mail he said there was no je ne sais quoi, but that we could go out again if I wanted to." She: "What does he want, instant spark?" Me: "I wasn't feeling very sparky last night - combination head cold medicine and wine, you know. It would've taken a sensitive spark-o-meter
She B: "So he sends me this picture of him with his pants unzipped and it's wrapping around his undershorts to the back of his butt." She: "And the name of this Lothorio?" She B: "Hung14inches. And I'm not sure why he wrote me, I mean he's in New York!" Me: "It's okay, he can
On Music... She (mezzo soprano): "Born Free! As free as the wind blows! As free as the grass grows!" Me: "Excuse me, but you're not going to start singing, 'They Call the Wind Mariah'? Are you?" She: "What's wrong with 'They Call the Wind Mariah Carey'?" Me: "Same thing that's wrong with 'Mariah Carey on
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