She: "My head is spinning and I have a headache." Me: "Was it from the drinking last night?" She: "No. People are being excessively nice to me 'cause it's my last day. It's making my head hurt!" Me: "I can be indifferent and abrasive the rest of the day." She: "Would you?" Me: "Yeah, whatever."
Me: "I've always liked the word influenza. It has a pretty sound. Almost like a girl's name." She: "What about little edema?" Me: "Awww, you know if I had a girl, I would almost be tempted to name her that...or effluvia. I think effluvia sounds beautiful." She: "It rolls off the tongue." Me: "Ewww. Bad
Me: "How's it going?" She: "I'm awaiting the pending shit storm." Me: "Is that what's brewing on the horizon? Do you expect to be in the middle?" She: "Yeah. I can smell it coming." Me: "Would those be floaters or sinkers?" She: "Both." Me: "Well, shit."
Me: "Who are you over there dissing?" He: "Sarah Brightman. They're playing her." Me: "Why? What do opera singers have against Sarah Brightman?" He: "She sold out." Me: "Hey, a girl's gotta eat..." He: "I suppose, but I'm eating and I haven't sold out!" Me: "...and, if possible, she's gotta eat while wearing diamonds."
The Queen (off camera, drunk): "...penis the size of a horse!..." The Queen (off camera, drunker): "...hung like a horse!...huge tits! huge!..." The Queen (to Me, stroking my arm): "You've got pretty red hair. Pretty, pretty. Oh honey?! Is he with you?" He (to the Queen): "Yes, we're on a date." The Queen (to Me):
He: "They say that deafness is the reason most marriages last." Me: "Oh really?" He: "Yes, the fine hairs in your cochlea start falling out the more they're used. So the more your wife nags you, the less you hear." Me: "The irony being that those hairs then take root on the outside of your
He: "Aristotle Onassis's granddaughter turned 18 today. I need to get me some of that." Me: "Can you imagine how hard it's going to be to impress an 18 year old billionaire? I mean, what would you do for a first date?" He: "I'd impress her with my programming skills -- whip out a workflow
Me: "What?" She: "They've been checking you out and you haven't noticed. Again." Me: "Who? Where? Were they worthy?" She: "Some of them." Me: "You need to point them out to me, you know I'm oblivious." She: "I'll try, but they're fast. They scurry away like cockroaches in the light."
Bidding Me: "...you can get one of those on Ebay, you know." She: "You can find anything on Ebay." Me: "Really? What do you have bids on?" She: "A soul. I should check on it -- the auction will be over in a few hours." Me: "Are souls cheap? Do you have to meet any
Tator Trauma Because of a series of unfortunate dining choices, I now have a tator tot stuck between my stove and cabinet. The gap between the two tapers into a vee as you get closer to the bottom of the space, thus allowing me to achieve maximum tator tot velocity about six inches from the
